I have figured out my project for December. I shall execute a heist so elaborate, they'll be talking about it for years and years. This year, it is my intention to steal Xmas.
Xmas, or Christmas as it is also known, is a large holiday falling toward the end of December. I forget when, but I shall learn its assigned date. It is generally a time of gift-giving and familial celebration. Stealing it would be a big feather in my cap. Huge.
I introduced the idea to a couple of friends this evening and they are in. There was some discussion of how to distribute all the the presents we would end up with, but once these details can be worked out, I have the core of my team in place. We decided to only steal Xmas from this hemisphere. Kirsten thought going for both hemispheres would be a logistical nightmare. I agree.
I'm thinking bigger, though. It is not enough for me to steal all of the presents and trees and feast ingredients, like a certain half-assed, shrunken-hearted, green poseur did. I intend to steal the whole shebang: the music, the last-minute shopping, It's a Wonderful Life, egg nog, Santa, heartwarming episodes of your favorite shows. Everything! If I am fully successful, you shall awaken on Xmas morning unsure of why it is you do not have to go to work. You won't even miss it.
Obviously, I cannot tell you much about my plan. I will not even be telling the members of the team much beyond what they need to know to execute their tasks. So much can go wrong.
I figure I need maybe seven people to pull this off. I have three, so I'm looking for four more. It would be great, since all of us on the team now are white, to have some minorities in the bunch. This is an equal-opportunity heist. At the very least, if you join the group, you should be okay with being written as a minority in the screenplay about our magnificent score that I plan to write sometime in January. You should also have a set of black clothes and be able to lift at least 50 lbs. at a time.
I am neither greedy nor heartless. I will give some of Xmas back to anyone who has a good enough reason. Also to people who regularly read this blog. If you are unsure whether my gang and I will spare you, you may request an Xmas waiver by writing (25 words or less, please) why you need it this year.
"But wait," a co-conspirator asked me this evening. "What if we get caught?"
"We'll have Xmas," I coolly replied. "I think they'll be willing to negotiate."
One last big score, and then I shall retire. I've had my eye on some land in the North Pole for some time now, where it is quite cold, but there is no extradition treaty.
So things are coming together with my Xmas-burgling gang. I have six people at this point who are willing to take part in what will certainly be the crime of the century. Thanks and welcome to the new members of the team.
