Tag plus time equals post

Taffiny tagged me in June with this meme. She expressed doubt that I would undertake it, but I always intended to. Better late than never, I suppose. It's 8 questions.

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
Probably goofing off. It was the late summer of 1998. Our first album was still newish. I was freelancing at the place that would later make me a department head for the first time when I was 25. Whether at work or not, I spent a lot of time listening to Patty Griffin's Flaming Red, Tragically Hip's Phantom Power, Grant Lee Buffalo's Jubilee. The three shared a bill in Chicago that October, but I was unable to attend when I contracted strep throat.

2. 5 things on your to-do list for today?
1. Start making to-do lists.
2. Try to do a blog post. (Maybe a meme of some kind?)
3. Undo space/time damage caused by recent experiment.
4. Learn to play the cello (if cannot complete today, abandon).
5.

3. What would you do if you were a billionaire?
It is hard to imagine that I could somehow become a billionaire without being a completely different human. One of those money people. I presume the spirit of the question is that I should imagine that I awaken one morning with a billion dollars but nothing else different about me or my life? Hmmm. I guess if I put it into the bank at, say, 5% interest, I'd make about 50 million dollars a year. I should be able to live on that, so that'd be step one. Step two is the inevitable orgy of spending on music and possibly a house to put my new acquisitions in. I'd have the cats gold-plated, install a chocolate faucet in the kitchen. Realizing how passe a gold-plated cat is, I'd then encrust them with precious stones. If I had any time left, I'd work on my novel.

4. What are three of your bad habits?
Uno: I have been known to disappear for months on end (see: blog, elsewhere).
Dos: I smoke.
Tres: Sometimes I pretend that I can speak spanish.

5. What are some snacks you enjoy?
I would never risk the ire of any snack food by championing another in such a forum. I am a big fan of snacks, and I adore each one for its merits.

6. What were the last five books you read?
I have not been reading much lately. I am a bad man. I just reread Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut and Pastwatch by Orson Scott Card. And I really enjoyed Miranda July's short story collection, but I think that was last summer. As was Minx's A Coven of One and Caroline's In Search of Adam.

7. What are five jobs you have had?

1. In college, I worked for a while as a telemarketer. We did not sell anything, just conducted surveys. My telephone name was "Mr. Fletcher." I was able, the one time it came up, to tell a caller that a fletcher was a person who made bows. I once phoned Lou Reed's house to speak to his wife about her credit card. He was very polite, and it took every ounce of self-discipline I possessed not to tell him what a fan of his work I am. This job ended catastrophically when they attempted to promote me.
2. In high school, I worked for a frozen yogurt shop. It was there I discovered coffee. We were forbidden to change the radio station, but we always did when the customers were gone and we were doing cleanup. One night, we accidentally locked ourselves out of the office, and could not change the station back. A wildly physical comedy ensued which culminated in my climbing through the ceiling, falling through it and into the office, and being fired for same. One of the only times I have ever been fired, incidentally. Driving home that night, my friend's car erupted in flames. Good times.
3. Also in high school, I dressed up in a bear costume to be the mascot of a local bank at fairs and such a few times during a summer. This is the origin of the line "there was no fan in the head, and there should have been" which I still use from time to time. In order to cool off without revealing that I was secretly just a normal human male, I would take advantage of the fact that ride operators would let me on for free, and when whatever ride I was on reached speed, cool air would rush in through the vents where the eyes were.
4. Returning to college jobs, I worked in a local "chain" record shop for a few months. This was right around the time that such entities were being thoroughly destroyed by the massive big box stores. I started in January, 1994, and there were 33 locations throughout Chicagoland. By the end of spring, there were, I think, 3. I used to play PJ Harvey's 4-Track Demos album when it was time to clear the customers out so we could go home. I was convinced for years that I was the only person on earth who actually enjoyed that record.
5. For most of my adult, post-college life, I have been primarily employed as a graphic artist. There is almost never a dress code, and I was always free to dye my hair when I chose.

8. What are five places where you have lived?

1. No matter what rumors may be floating around, I have lived my entire existence right here on Earth.
2. I have twice made my home in Denver, Colorado for reasons beyond my immediate control.
3. One block from my current apartment.
4. Three blocks from my current apartment.
5. My current apartment.

A sort of writing meme

Minx is desperate for links (linx?). How else to explain her pouncing upon me within moments of my reopening the blog to tag me with a difficult writing meme. My blogbody was barely warm again. Oh, I link you, foul Minx, but I also have a surprise in store for you in the next couple of days. (chuckles to self) Get ready for some day-rueing, my friend.

*****

On with the meme...

What is the last thing you wrote?
Clever to put this one first, so my answer isn't "the answer to the previous question." I wrote an email. Does that count? It had no symbolism, though. Very little conflict. Even the characters were crudely drawn.

Was it any good?
By what standards? It conveyed the information I needed to convey.

What's the first thing you wrote and you still have?
Hmmm. Bad fantasy stories from 8th grade, I think.

Write poetry? Angst?
I write poetry sometimes. I'm not sure what you mean by angst, though. Are you offering me angst? No, thank you.

Favorite genre of writing?
I seem partial to word writing.

Most fun character you've ever created?
Aside from myself? I find secondary characters to be the most fun, because they can go a little farther out.

Most annoying character?
Protagonists. They just refuse to do what you tell them sometimes. Also: characters with shrill voices.

Best plot?
I'm not particularly plot-driven. For me, it's all concepts and characters.

Write fan fiction?
For a writer's meme, you sure have included more than your share of sentence fragments. And, no. That story in which Mulder and Buffy team up to defeat the Borg was not mine. (shudders) OK, that's maybe unfair. I don't actually read fan fiction, either, so I shouldn't be saying snarky things about those who do.

Type or write?
Proficient in both. Is this a job interview? Am I doing well?

Ever go back to an old idea?
Absolutely. The current novel is the one I tried to write when I was 19.

Favorite thing you've written?
I'll answer this when I see a parenting meme that asks which child is best.

Do you show people your work?
Sometimes. I'm a bit weird about it, and it makes me terribly anxious, but I understand that it makes me better, so I force myself to do so, among a selected group of trusted folks.

Did you ever write a novel?
Yup. Did you?

Favorite setting for your characters?
Low. So they simmer.

How many writing projects are you working on?
I assume we can have the definition of "working" be somewhat fungible? If so, somewhere between three and ten.

Do you want to write for a living?
Makes sense, since I seem to live for the writing.

Ever written anything in script or play form?
Moon Topples: (to self) Nothing presentable. (sighs)

Five favorite words...
You have completed this meme.

Which character most resembles you?
Of mine? Uh, many of them, in the right light. Of other folks' stuff, I get Eeyore a lot.

Where do you get your ideas for other characters?
Is "people" a suitable response?

Ever write things based on your dreams?
Sure, but more often I get ideas when I am just on the cusp of sleep. I create much better if I am nearly asleep. Works for songs, too.

Do you favor happy endings, sad or cliff hangers?
What a weird question. I'll ignore the implication that there are only three ways to end something. The story goes where it goes. I suppose "sad" is probably the one I lean toward, but you have to give the story the ending it wants, or there is no point.

Ever written anything based on an artwork?
No, but a friend of mine said he might do some artwork based on one of my descriptions of a painting. Which is the opposite of what you asked, I suppose.

Are you concerned with spelling and grammar as you write?
I took out all of the superfluous "u"s from the silly Brit spellings in this meme. So I guess I am.

Ever write entirely in chatspeak?
OMG! No. lol.

Entirely in L337?
I made a calculator say "boobies" in third grade. I assume that counts.

Does music help?
With what? I understand it's handy for beast-soothing.

Quote something you've written.
"...there was no fan in the bear's head, and there should have been."

*****

I tag Signs, because she told me to.

And I wasn't even tagged...

I cannot recall where I first saw this meme, but it's been making the rounds, and it's the type of meme I like: vaguely worded enough to play with.

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it. Well, at first I thought this said "pick at a scar you have," which would be an unpleasant thing to ask someone to do, and really something you could do with a scab more easily than a scar. Hmm. Don't know which one to pick. The one on my knee from when my brother tried to kill me as a toddler with a toy tractor? The one on my finger from cutting apples with a sharp knife while mad, years later, at same brother? The three tiny ones from my super-cool laser appendectomy? Now I've gone on and on without picking one, let alone explaining it. I guess I should just pass on this one.

2. What does your phone look like? List your reasons to buy it? Well, first, "list your reasons to buy it" is a statement and not a question. Which makes me wonder who, if anyone, proofreads memes. (Just kidding. It is obvious that no one does, or ever will.) The phone in my house looks amazingly like a Uniden cordless telephone, unless they mean the other one, which looks more or less like the kind which was popular in offices in the late 80s. Sturdy base, twisty cord, etc. My cellular phone looks like the Motorola RAZR. They all look like phones. I don't know what to tell you, or what sort of answer you were hoping for here. I bought them to be better able to communicate with people who are not here in my apartment.

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom? See, this is the question where they try to trip up unwitting but guilty souls, get them to say something like "a harness" or "the skin of my most recent victim." I, however, shall relate nothing so embarrassingly personal. I think it's a trick question, really. The obvious answer is a thin coat of paint. Flat, interior, off-white in case you had follow-up questions.

4. What is your current desktop picture? A picture of you, Blogreader. (creepy laugh). Okay, at the moment it's the one from yesterday's Phoctober offering: a picture of the Thames as seen through a locked gate on a bridge near Waterloo Station. I totally want to move there, as should be painfully obvious to even the most casual reader. Sham marriages are fine. Email at left.

5. Do you believe in gay marriage? Again, the wording here makes me suspicious. Like, do you believe in Santa Claus? I do believe in gay marriage. I have seen it. I also support it. I will further editorialize that if someone else being in love and celebrating that publicly threatens your own union, you are almost certainly doing it wrong.

6. What do you want more than anything right now? To finish this meme and work on my novel. To finish this meme and have a nice chat with friends. To finish this meme and find love. To finish this meme and be awarded a million dollars. To finish this meme seems to be the main thing.

7 . What time were you born? 8pm. Wait. Are you doing my chart? Someone already tried that. It was like my fourth blog post. Save yourself the trouble and read it here.

8. Are your parents still together? Physically? Are they still in their respective pieces? My mom is. Probably my father as well. They certainly aren't married anymore if that's what you're after, you nosy, nosy, nosy meme. They divorced in early 1981. Driven apart by the Rubik's Cube and "Bette Davis Eyes."

9. Last person who made you cry? Um. I guess my grandmother's funeral was probably the last time, other than tearing up sometimes at movies or tv shows. That's not a very fun question, Memewriter. Did you write this thinking that most people would enjoy being reminded of whatever thing someone did to them that made them so sad? Shame on you.

10. What is your favorite perfume / cologne? Hmmm. Not really a big fan of either. If you are wearing enough of either one for me to take note in my conscious mind, you are most likely giving me a headache.

11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex? What kind of hair/eye color? An adjective to describe the actual color I might have a preference for? Is this so you can publicly humiliate me and say I hate people with auburn hair should I choose to say "chestnut" or something? You are making me tired, Memewriter. As for the answer I must assume you actually want, I like hair that is brown, red, black, blonde or other. As for eyes—which are, after all, the window to the soul—I like a sclera of creamy white (not too red), a pupil which is round and appears black but is in fact clear and the iris to be either brown, blue, green, gray, hazel, or any other naturally occurring color. Dyed hair is fine. Dyed eyes are confusing. And a good way to blind yourself.

12. What are you listening to? Why? The soft clack of laptop keys. Why? Because I am depressing them with my fingers to produce the letters which make up the answers to this meme. I also have the Kinks' Village Green Preservation Society playing, and I can hear the shushing of cars on the street, an occasional shout from outside, and some sort of rustling sound right behind me which I can only hope is my cat and not an intruder.

13. Do you get scared of the dark? Not of it, no. Sometimes I am scared in it, though. Anything could be hiding in darkness. I have no way of knowing, since I rely so heavily on my sight to give me information. Great, now I'm freaked out and have to investigate that rustling sound.

14. Do you like painkillers? When I am in pain, or just generally? I get migraines, and during those times I love them. Other times I guess I do not think about them much. I have a feeling that I did not understand this question.

15. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Wait. Are you trying to get me to ask you out, Memewriter? I'm flattered, of course, but I don't know you at all. Burying an implied interest within a meme is not the way to capture my attention. Maybe we should just be friends for a while and see what happens. If that was not the goal of this question, I would say that the circumstances of asking someone out fluctuate wildly. There is no brief answer which would satisfactorily answer it in that instance, except possibly "sometimes."

16. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? I assume you are looking for something like "pizza" or "chocolate," but that would be a poor answer to such a ridiculously open-ended question. Working up slowly, I suppose a meal at the Italian place that used to be on Grand Ave but which is now something else entirely. And then the moon, South America or the polar icecaps. A building, submarine or all the Monopoly game sets ever produced. Any of these would surely bring me some measure of fame, which I could use to help me when I start shopping for a book deal.

17. Who was the last person who made you mad? As in angry, I assume, and not crazy. This is not a difficult feat to accomplish. Should I sift through all the various things which irked me today and settle on the biggest, or simply do as you ask and relate that most recent? I shall do the latter, in which case the answer is me. I shall not explain myself.

18. List one habit you have that has the potential to annoy people? I think my tendency to answer memes with long-winded answers which may or may not even address the question being asked probably annoys some people. Especially when I seem to be more interested in proving how clever I am by attacking the semantics of the question—when it is painfully clear to almost anyone what the question is actually driving at—than contributing to the spirit of the meme and answering questions for the benefit of those who might wish to know something about me. Perhaps even you are annoyed by this tendency.

19. Who was the last person who made you smile? You, Blogreader, for reading this far. I'm frankly shocked you stuck with it. I know you must have other things to do. I barely made it to the end myself. I am flattered. I smile at you.

And niceness, or not, stream of consciousness, sort of, and words I like

David over at Wandering Aimlessly has given me a shiny bit of blog bling meant to suggest that I am nice. Or, as he puts it, that I am nice in spite of myself, which conjures up images of me wishing I were a heartless monster but constantly thwarted by my own niceness. What a heartwarming children's book I might make if this were true.

My initial thought was: "This amuses me" as I stroked a white Persian cat in a sumptuous chair, pressing a mysterious red button on the desk in front of me in my underground lair. "It serves my purposes to be thought of as nice. Soon, I shall initiate Phase Three."

To undermine the whole idea even further, I waited for more than a week before responding to the tag. Apologies.

And I recalled my friend Suzi, during my sojourn among the Workers, saying once: "You're very nice...on your blog."

I suppose debating my niceness is now irrelevant, since I have a badge that says it is so. Who can refute such a thing? Only getting tagged with a "Not at all nice" award can reopen the topic.

Still, perhaps, open for debate is the niceness of the Cheshire Cat, who seems to be depicted in the artwork.

And I think of the drummer in a short-lived band I had formed during my exile in Colorado. I pulled him aside after a rehearsal to ask him to consider being less confrontational when suggesting things to myself and the others in the band. "I'm a fucking pussycat," he informed me. "You have no idea how nice I'm being."

Niceness, then, being a relative concept. Like everything else.

I was called "nice" a fair amount in high school as well. This was probably true enough, but the subtext of some of these declarations was "I do not want to date you." It took me a while afterward to take nice as a compliment.

And, portraits of myself as a Bond villain aside, it truly does suit my purposes to be thought of as nice. I would vastly prefer that my friends think so, that they look at me as someone who would be there should they need an ear, a ride, whatever. Not money, of course, but other stuff.

So I am nice, and you are nice, too, Blogreader. You click in here and read my thoughts and sometimes you click in here again to find out more. That means an awful lot to me.

Passing it on... I hate passing things on. And mostly I do not, but this is one of those memes which tricks you by being an honor and not passing it on would make me into the antithesis of the award I was given. Possibly the universe would then explode, or implode, or fold in on itself and I really don't want that on my conscience.

I should say, of course, that all of the people in my blogroll are nice, or they would not be there. I should say and I do say, because it happens to be true. But the three below are the ones who leaped into my mind most readily as being deserving of special praise. Aside, of course, from David himself, Hearts in San Francisco (who tagged him and who is herself most deserving of the award), and those David mentioned alongside my name in his post. Nice folks all.

Verillion is über-nice. She's enthusiastic and cheerful and a great friend to this blog. There should be more folks like her out there. Or at least she should leave France and roam the globe, spreading her nice-osity to the various peoples of the world. Oh, and I'm sure she'd like it if I called her a bloggeague somewhere in here.

Minx is nice in the way that I am nice, I suspect: she still bites when provoked. Once befriended or bribed, however, she is an excellent person (for a Limey). An enthusiastic and ardent supporter of fellow writers, she has taken it upon herself to nurture those of us who still wobble around on fawn legs. I cannot imagine how much of her time she has given to this. Lots and lots, I suppose. She's even read some of my fiction, the poor thing.

Rich is brand new to blogging, but is hands-down one of the nicest humans I have had the pleasure of meeting. Go and say hello. It will confuse him. I believe this is his first "award," and since he has only given us five posts so far, I hope he will not be crestfallen should his posts/awards ratio decrease. I'd be pretty surprised if he responds to this by passing the thing on to other bloggers, since David and I seem to be the only people in his links section, but his niceness should not pass unmarked.

(For Moon Topples trivia fans, Rich was the person I had in mind when I initially started this blog. We didn't get to stay in touch as often as we once had, and I thought I would write various funny things here, and then he would write various funny things back. This was not, obviously, the path the blog took, but I am delighted to see him making a go at blogging himself.)

Trying to say thanks to David in my own small way, I would like to steal pay tribute to one of his semi-regular features and give you a list of some words I like. I selected 20 words more or less at random from my brain. I can detect no pattern other than that I don't get much of a chance to use any of these. They just don't come up a lot in my normal writing. Except maybe "tetchy."

dalliance
mollify
languid
luminous
surreptitious
countenance
rebuke
stipulate
penitent
ineffable
abattoir
kindle
joint
epithet
frisson
tetchy
plangent
polymath
maven
swollen

Five writerly strengths

I was tagged on Saturday by Canterbury Soul with this meme, to list my five strengths as a writer. As if to ensure that "timeliness and punctuality" are off of that list, I was tagged twice more today, once by Sognatrice and once by Taffiny. I figured I should post now, before I get tagged again.

I guess I just tend to think of myself as a decent overall writer. I don't think I spend a lot of time analyzing my strengths and weaknesses. So this list is kind of hard to compile. This is more or less the five things I can most easily come up with at this instant in time, as they occur to me. Some of these may not even be strengths, or, being strengths, may not be ones I possess. But writing "I have no idea" seems like a cop-out, so...

1. I think I am good at providing an interesting perspective on what might otherwise be a common event. I seem to have a knack for either zooming in close on a detail that someone else might have overlooked or dismissed, or examining the whole thing from afar as an outsider. I can usually find a kernel of beauty in a random street encounter or an overheard conversation, and carry that kernel back home with me.

2. To whatever extent that my sense of humor carries over into my writing, I think that would qualify as a strength. I have found that it is usually fairly easy to make people laugh in person, where my inflection, body language, etc. can come to my aid, but that being funny on paper requires a different set of skills. So, yeah, that.

3. I tend to know when my writing is not working. I don't always know how to fix it, but I think I can read back something of mine and decide very quickly if it does what I wanted it to or not. Although being able to fix it would probably be a better strength. Still, recognizing when I am being clunky with words is something that I think I, uh... I should point out here that I sometimes just leave things clunky. Not everything that comes from my fingertips has to be good.

4. When someone has read something of mine for critique or input, I think I am pretty open to the ideas they present. Even though sometimes I do not take the suggestion, figuring out why exactly it feels wrong to me can be a tremendous aid in clarifying to myself what exactly I am hoping to accomplish with the piece. And then there are the nice moments when the suggestion is something that I might not have thought of that fits perfectly and opens a door in the writing. Those times are pretty great. But, wait. How is this a strength? Maybe it isn't, unless I count picking good people to read my stuff as a strength.

5. I have always been a voracious reader. There is nothing in the world that can better prepare you to pick up a pen. People go on and on about technique and craft, and some will tell you that doing this or that will make you a better writer. To my mind, the only things which can guarantee improvement in this area are reading a lot, and writing a lot. Any other method is, at best, subjective.

I tag no one, as usual, but if you have a whack, let me know in the comments and I'll gladly come have a look. Then I will steal your answers and update this post.

Also, as a side note: I have lots to tell you, gentle Blogreader. I am behind on my posting, but will probably be writing a lot this week to tell you of some developments and some future plans for this blog. So keep checking back...

Also, my naval is pretty

The cruel collection that is Heart in San Francisco has tagged me to write ten things I like about myself. Most of you know that this is not the sort of thing I generally do: sit around thinking of reasons why I am great. I would have a much easier time jotting down ten things I dislike.

My initial impulse was either to ignore the summons or make some elaborate joke out of the whole thing. It isn't even, so far as I can tell, a legitimate meme so much as a question that the Heart in San Francisco gang was asked. Ultimately, I decided that it might be a worthwhile experience to at least try it. So here goes...

Ten things about myself that I like, am grateful for, or which I have gradually learned to accept:

1. I like my brain, and that it seems to work slightly differently from the norm. Given a shared experience or stimuli with a random sampling of humans, I have a tendency to draw different conclusions or experience the event in a different way. I am pretty sure that this off-centered-ness(ocity?) is a huge boon to me as a writer and observer, and it probably has a large impact on most of the other things that comprise this list.

2. From as far back as I can recall, my sense of humor has been the single most important aspect of my personality when dealing with others. Without it I not only would have found it impossible to cope with life, but would also have almost certainly made fewer friends in my travels. I am very glad to have lived for this long through some pretty extreme highs and lows, still finding it more or less intact.

3. The more I write, the closer I seem to be getting to the idea that I could read something I wrote without cringing internally. Internal cringing is, like, the worst. So I like that I decided to write a little more than a year ago, and that it seems to be something I am keeping with, learning from, growing into.

4. I like slash am grateful for finding new expressions of creativity. Having been an actor, a musician, a writer and a photographer, it seems like I am always following a muse of some sort down an alley without knowing exactly what lies ahead. I am glad that I have somehow allowed myself to trust these instincts, and to follow them. I am running out of arts to explore, however, so I may have to revisit some of my old favorites the next time I get spiritually restless.

5. I think my friends know that if they need something, I will be there. I had plenty of friends in my 20s who were actually just acquaintances, and at some point I decided that I was done with superficial friendships. Those who are still around know that I will be there for them.

6. I called a friend today and asked him what he thought I might like about myself. He suggested that I like my clothes, which kind of made me sound superficial and vain, but I thought about it and decided that he was partially right, in that I have almost never worn something in order to appear fashionable. I have dressed for comfort since I started purchasing my own clothes. It is better to feel good than to look good, or whatever.

7. The same friend said I like my taste in music, which is true. Phrased like that, I suppose it is true of anyone. But I think what he meant is that I consider myself discerning when it comes to music. I do take a certain amount of pride in the music I choose, and get a genuine thrill when I can expose someone to something they may have never heard otherwise. Plus, it is proving really hard to come up with ten things, so this makes the list.

8. I suppose my attempting this list should remind me that I am usually open for a challenge. Things that are easy are seldom worth the time, so something like this, which has been somewhat excruciating, is theoretically of greater worth. And I suppose that I like that I was willing to give it a shot.

9. I am open-minded enough to not be a zealot about anything. Zealotry is something I find repellent in other people (even when it is also admirable) and I am glad that I no longer believe anything to be absolutely true.

10. My freakish memory has been discussed here before, and it is both a blessing and a curse. I am concentrating on the blessing side for our purposes today. While it will never really help me to know in what year the song coming out of the radio was released, or the name of the actor who was in some movie 25 years ago, my ability to retain conversations and personal details is very helpful to me as a writer and also as a person who, from time to time, comes into contact with other people. If I could recall names with any precision, it would be great, but people seem willing to forgive that part.

Now I never tag people with memes as a rule, in spite of handing out a handful of blogging awards a week or so ago, but talking with Danny over at Witnessing Amy made me change my mind. I was complaining about how hard it was to come up with 10 separate things about myself to write about in a positive light without making it into a joke, and he kept saying that it was a good exercise for me, of value and one I would benefit from undertaking.

So he's tagged, but the rest of you are off the hook. Let me know if you decide to tackle this, however, and I'll happily come by and take a gander.

And now I'm off to gaze lovingly at my own reflection in a mirror...

Like spider legs

Well, I have been tagged again. This time by Cailleach, for eight random facts about myself. Leaving aside the argument as to whether one can achieve anything approaching "random" for these purposes, I'll give it a shot.

1. I cannot write in cursive or lower-case letters. My cursive was impossible for even me to decipher, and I just sort of forgot how to make lower-case letters. I make non-capitalized letters in small caps. Only my signature is cursive.

2. I have never seen an ocean, or any body of water larger than Lake Michigan. This dovetails quite nicely into my irrational fear of water and the fact that I cannot swim.

3. In January of 1992, I decided to keep track of all the books I read. At the end of the month, the total was 53. I doubt I've ever duplicated that feat. I've never tracked my reading like that before or since.

4. Every place I visit, I decide I would like to live there. I nearly spent a winter in Athens, GA because I liked it during a brief stay. The only exception I can think of was Denver, CO, which is also the only place I have ever visited and then moved to. Twice.

5. I was briefly the editor of a music magazine after leaving college. My interview was held in an Arby's. Six months later, at my first professional audition in Chicago, I landed the role of the editor of a music magazine in "The Blank Page," by Adam Langer (Adam is now a bestselling author). I played the same role in the film of the same name, so I have now had more experience playing the editor of a small, indie magazine than I had being one.

6. I once quit a job because my employer wouldn't allow me to listen to music. I was shoved into a room all by myself, and wanted to listen through headphones. My boss looked like Captain Kangaroo, and didn't believe for a second that music makes me more productive. It does, and every job I've had since has confirmed that. At the time, this seemed like a trivial reason to leave employment to everyone but me.

7. Until I started blogging, I never had anything resembling a nickname my entire life. Now people call me variations of "Moon" or "Mr. Topples" even sometimes in real life. I'm still not certain I approve of this.

8. In the period after map of july's first record came out, we played some pretty diverse shows, including a bar mitzvah and the lobby of a 30-cinema theater on the day Godzilla opened. There was an enormous inflatable lizard on the roof above us.

As usual, I tag no one, but let me know if you take a stab yourself and I'll come by and check it out.

The Moon Topples needs weird life advice from strangers

My friend Goodthomas is needy.

Trouble is, he doesn't always know what he needs. So he created a Google search combining his name and the word "needs." His results are here.

I decided to replicate his search to see if I could get some free advice from Google about my life. Since my first name only results in misspellings of "math" and results in other languages, I used my last name, and substituted my blog name in the results below.

The Moon Topples needs help with everything...

The Moon Topples needs to be in Houston...

But The Moon Topples needs to keep Griffin naked...

The Moon Topples needs to be better known among the American public...

I think that The Moon Topples needs to have the same attitude, just be aggressive...

The Moon Topples needs fresh examination...

The Moon Topples needs more space...

The Moon Topples needs to learn to value and love himself more and to express his appreciation for others more openly...

The Moon Topples needs 18 wins to move into the top 50 all-time...

The Moon Topples needs to be broadcast throughout the country (and world for that matter!) so he can start winning the Grammy's...

The Moon Topples needs to show a lack of specific similarities to support his case...

The Moon Topples needs to stop blaming the messenger just so he can enable himself to cling to propositions divorced from observed reality...

The Moon Topples needs to be carefully monitored by the owners to avoid drawing the naturally contaminated ground water away from the uranium production area...

The Moon Topples needs to meet some new friends...

The Moon Topples needs to be verified to be microbiologically safe...

The Moon Topples needs more revenue...

The Moon Topples needs to watch that...

The Moon Topples needs to get over it...

The Moon Topples needs to step up tomorrow. That's all there is to it...

The Moon Topples needs the spotlight the way some of us need food and air...

Thanks GT and Google, for teaming up to help me better understand my life. Now if only there was a way to figure out what I want. Oh, right. That's what Amazon is for.

This isn't a meme, but it should be. If anyone else decides to give this a try, please let me know.

Seven songs

Tagged by Liz:

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what they are. They must be songs you are presently enjoying. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

Liz is wily. She knew I could not resist a meme which allows me to blather on about music. It should probably be noted that I've learned that I don't write very well about music. I can never say exactly why I like something, or what grabs me. I get all excited and cannot think properly. So I'll just do my best.

These are in no particular order. Here goes...

1. Miracle Drug (A.C. Newman) -
(no lyrical excerpt)
A.C. Newman is the redheaded Canadian guy behind the goodness of the New Pornographers. I've been popping this track on almost daily at work, when I need to concentrate. It is, right now, always the very first song I pick when I need to be productive. Something good in the drums and the little bursts from the guitar that I just love love love.

2. (I Don't Want To Go To) Chelsea (Elvis Costello) -
"...she give a little flirt, give herself a little cuddle / but there's no place here for the miniskirt waddle..."
Map of July used to attempt this song, but we never came within a mile of the effortless perfection of the original. When EC released this as a summer single in the 70s, a reviewer called it "tantamount to bragging." Hard to believe his American label dropped it from the album for being "too English." This song bursts out of the speakers and never fails to energize me. Not even close to my favorite Elvis song, but it's been in the playlist a lot lately.

3. Rehab (Amy Winehouse) -
"...I ain't got seventy days..."
I have no idea if this song will still be as pleasurable in even a few months, but at the moment I've been playing this in the mornings before work. The most authentic "girl-group" arrangement recorded in years, and Winehouse has an amazing, soulful voice. Very hard to believe that she's only in her early 20s. Plus it's difficult not to like a song with handclaps and a horn section (and even some very subtle strings) about not going to rehab.

4. If You Have Ghosts (John Wesley Harding) -
"...the moon to the left of me is a part of my thoughts and a part of me is me..."
Another nearly-perfect pop single, this time from 1991, and released on a tribute album to Roky Erikson. I had to dig to find a copy of this last summer. When I popped in the cd and hit "play," I was treated to a rare moment: a long-lost favorite still sounding as good to me as the first time I ever heard it. So I've been making up for lost time.

5. Get Him Back (Fiona Apple) -
"...I think he let me down when he didn't disappoint me..."
I suppose I should point out that I'm talking about the leaked bootleg version of this song, and not the official release, which I don't really like very much. Less convincing than Amy Winehouse, but some nice flourishes and girl-group arrangements on the bootleg version, which was the one I fell in love with a while back. Played this tonight while working late, and Suzi—who sits next to me—kept asking who it was. She seemed to like it, too, which made it even nicer to listen to.

6. The Big Guns (Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins) -
"...let's pretend that everybody here wants peace..."
Jenny Lewis took a break from her duties with Rilo Kiley to make a record out of the type of songs she apparently used to just throw away. I hope that the acclaim she has gotten will convince her to keep them from now on. It was kind of hard to pick a track off of this record, which I have been listening to for more than a year straight, as I tend to play the whole thing all the way through. Anyway, the record and the song have elements of country and soul, some great songwriting (deeply personal and weirdly accessible at the same time) and a feel Rilo Kiley never even hinted at. Plus I have a crush on one of the Watson Twins...

7. My Mathematical Mind (Spoon) -
"...planning for the apocalypse is not considered / considered cool / I don't suggest it myself..."
These guys sure as hell don't sound like they come from Texas. Craig said recently that he thought they were really good "recordists," and when I said they wrote great songs as well, he replied "Well, I'll take your word for it." I have no idea what he meant by that. Another album in nearly constant rotation for more than a year. It has survived every reworking of my main playlists for both working and general use. Sometimes, though, I wish the singer would blow his nose.

[Hidden Bonus Track] That Teenage Feeling (Neko Case) -
"...and nothing comforts me the same / as my brave friend who says / 'I don't care if forever never comes 'cause I'm holding out for that teenage feeling...'"
Neko Case lives somewhere in my neighborhood, but that has nothing at all to do with why I love her music so terribly much. I've heard her voice described as being like Patsy Cline's so often I've lost count (recent favorite: "Patsy Cline with a graduate degree"). Her early records were pretty straightforward country of the sort that Nashville hasn't made for at least 40 years. Now she's branching out, and her songwriting is growing more sophisticated. Her voice dissolves me. The best I can do is to say that if you've never listened to Neko Case, you should stop reading now and go mend your ways. You might not like her at all, or you might end up falling in love.


I tag no one, of course. I've never tagged anyone, and I probably never will unless I write a meme myself. But if you do this one, let me know so I can check it out.

My interview

Recently, I sat down with Julia Buckley of Buckley on the Blog for an in-depth interview*. What follows is a partial transcript:

Julia Buckley: Thanks for doing this, Maht. You are truly great.

Moon Topples: No problem. Glad I can help.

JB: Seriously. You are great. OK, ready? (MT nods.) So what's your biggest fear?

MT: (smiling, jocular) Well, right now, Julia, it's doing this interview. (Chuckles to self. JB's expression hardens until she is staring icily at him. MT swallows nervously.) Uh. Looking back and finding I never did the things I wanted to do.

JB: What's your most megalomaniacal ambition?

MT: Well, I'd like to have my name on more stuff. Books, cds, etc. I'd like it if people I had never met had heard of me in some positive context. Maybe build a skyscraper or statue to honor me. But mostly books and artistic things, I guess. The notion that what I might have to say could be universally desired.

JB: When you’re talking to your boss, you’re usually thinking...

MT: Is this a fill in the blank thing?

JB: Yes, and you're ruining the rhythm.

MT: Sorry. Well, I don't really have a boss. I guess I'm my boss, so when I'm talking to me, I guess I'm thinking how difficult it is to trick my boss into believing something I know to be less than true.

JB: What is your most disgusting habit?

MT: Depends on who you ask. Smoking, maybe. Or the amount of time I can allow a dish to sit uncleaned.

JB: Criteria for judging other people?

MT: Talent, poise, swimsuit.

JB: I'm getting really tired of your joke answers.

MT: Yeah: me, too. Can I stop for a second and get a drink of water?

JB: No. Next question: How do you measure up?

MT: Well, I usually secure one end of the tape measure against the floor with my foot and then I pull...

JB: What did I just say?

MT: I'm sorry.

JB: About the joking around?

MT: Yes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm very nervous.

JB: Just try to behave. What do you think when you see a fat person eating fast food?

MT: Well, I'm American. I see this sight far too often to have a special thought each time.

JB: How about when you see thin person smoking?

MT: Uh, "where'd that mirror come from?" I smoke, you know, and am still mostly thin. I'm in no position to judge anybody.

JB: When you meet someone of the same gender who’s more attractive than you, inside you think...

MT: "How utterly common..."

JB: When you meet someone of the opposite gender who’s less attractive than you, inside you think...

MT: "I should set her up with the person from the previous question."

JB: The last lie you told was:

MT "Sure, Julia, I'd be happy to try out your meme."

JB: (not amused) Ha-ha.

MT: Sorry.

JB: Tell us about the time you read someone’s diary/hacked into their emails/went through their stuff.

MT: I don't think I've ever done that. I did find a box of letters and pictures in an apartment I rented once. I went through that and tried to imagine the life she must have had. I think she had died, and I looked through to get a sense of what she left behind.

JB: You know that person who you’re secretly jealous of - and there’s a part of you, that you can’t quite suppress, that wishes they would, just for once, get to taste a bit of your luck? Tell us what you hate about them – go on let it all out.

MT: Hmmm. I actually think I'm pretty lucky in lots of ways. I can't think of anyone who fits the description. Can I skip this one?

JB: (coldly) No.

MT: Uh, I guess I look at people who are "cool" sometimes and decide arbitrarily that they are shallow morons who wouldn't know a good idea or a quality person if they sat across the room shooting daggers out of his eyes at them. I've always wanted to fit in, and have never quite been able to, I guess. I'm jealous of people who do, or who can.

JB: The most expensive thing you’ve ever stolen was...

MT: Hmmm. I was quite a shoplifter for a little while there, but I can't think of anything expensive. Does someone's virtue count?

JB: No.

MT: Are you sure you don't like the joke answers better?

JB: Quite sure.

MT: Well, then, I must pass.

JB: Even though all your answers are true, you’re still a really good person because…

MT: I took the time to do your meme?

JB: Anything else?

MT: No, I am totally without virtues.

JB: OK, then. Thanks for taking the time to do this. You're super-fantastic.

MT: Well, I don't know about super.

JB: We're done now, Maht. Please stop talking.

MT: OK, but I...

JB: I said we're done. (walks away)

MT: (to self) Now get back to work.

MT: (still to self) Yessir.

* Actually, there was no interview. This is a meme she was cruel enough to tag me with. Her participation in this interview is totally fictitious, and any besmirchment of her character within is totally accidental.

A 25 question meme type thingamajig

Everything seems to be working out with regard to the family thing mentioned yesterday. We'll know more soon, and I'll probably blog about what's been going on before too long.

Thanks to all who wished us well.

I felt like I needed to do something frivolous tonight, and I found this meme at Grasshopper Ramblings. I apologize in advance for the answers I provided.

1. 1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? Floating in the sky. Then I'd sell it to a rich person and get a place in London.
2. 2. What's your favorite article of clothing? My "the" t-shirt.
3. 3. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex? Eyebrows, smirk.
4. 4. What's the last CD that you bought? 3.2%, 6-months.
5. 5. Where's your favorite place to be? Somewhat to the left.
6. 6. Where is your least favorite place to be? A bit to the right.
7. 7. What's your favorite place to be massaged? Ego.
8. 8. Strong in mind or strong in body? Mind.
9. 9. What time do you wake up in the morning? Morning?!?
10. 10. What is your favorite kitchen appliance? I have none of the following in my kitchen: ap·pli·ance n. A dental or surgical device designed to perform a therapeutic or corrective function. From The American Heritage® Stedman's Medical Dictionary.
11. 11. What makes you really angry? When people do memes with joke answers.
12. 12. If you could play any instrument, what would it be? Scalpel.
13. 13. Favorite colour? Black, usually. And you misspelled "color."
14. 14. Which do you prefer...sports car or SUV? In which category does my station wagon fit?
15. 15. Do you believe in an afterlife? I haven't even been able to prove the current one to my satisfaction.
16. 16. Favorite children's book? The Monster at the End of This Book.
17. 17. What is your favorite season? Basil
18. 18. Your least favorite household chore? Usually my job.
19. 19. If you could have one super power, what would it be? The ability to create duplicate selves. Two ought to do it.
20. 20. If you have a tattoo, what is it? Nope. I am unmarked. I almost got the mosaic from the Strawberry Fields monument in Central Park, though.
21. 21. Can you juggle? Yes.
22. 22. The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to? [answer omitted]
23. 23. What's your favorite day? St. Crispin's Day.
24. 24. What's in the trunk of your car? A third of a hobo.
25. 25. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger? There should be a colon after "prefer."

"The Thinking Meme"

Apparently, I've been tagged in the blog sense again. Zorak163 should know better. I thought we were Blogfriends!

Like last time, I shall deign to do the meme she's tagged me with, but not the tagging part.

OK, it doesn't really bother me all that much, so long as I feel that my participation is voluntary.

And so, the meme. It's called "The Thinking Meme" for reasons which are not readily apparent:

1.) If you had to choose one vice in exclusion of all others what would it be? Probably smoking.

2.) If you could change one specific thing about the world what would it be? Humans no longer covetous.

3.) Name the cartoon character you identify with the most. I assume they mean "with whom I most identify." I suppose I would choose Fry from Futurama. I get Eeyore a lot, though.

4.) If you could live one day in your life over again which one would it be? Any day I spent on stage or writing would be fine.

5.) If you could go back in history and spend a day with one person who would it be? Richard Feynman.

6.) What is the one thing you lost, sold or threw away that you wish you could have back? My innocence.

7.) What is your one most important contribution to this world? Hopefully, my writing. Though at the moment it's probably increasing the total volume of sarcasm in any given area.

8.) What is your one hidden talent that nearly no one knows about? I'm freakishly fast with the ten-key part of a keyboard, remnants from my brief days in accounting (which people think I'm kidding about when I tell them now). 664186231. See?

9.) What is your most cherished possession? Brain. I own that, right?

10.) What one person influenced your life the most when growing up? Kurt Vonnegut.

11.) What one word describes you better than any other? Mercurial.

So, again: I tag no one. Feel free to use this yourself, though. I'll happily come and read your answers if you tell me you did it in the comments. And then I'll steal your answers, which will be much better than mine, and update this post.

Everybody wins.

Six weird things

I rubbed the "magic eraser" on the affected spot of my car's body and watched the tag disappear in far less time than it would have taken me to do the work in Photoshop. This was at about 5 this morning, when the bitterness of the cold was the only thing keeping me from gaping in alarm at how well it had worked. Sure, they tell you not to use it on the body of a car, but I really don't care if it eats the enamel or whatever.

Of course, my troubles were not yet over. Before I could even get to the store to buy the erasing sponge, I was tagged in another sense. Another blogger, Zilla, was more or less challenging me to take part in a meme. This one was about six things that are weird about the writer, and upon completion I am supposed to pass it along to six others who must comply.

I have no interest whatsoever in passing this on.I could credibly attribute this to that same thing inside me that makes me break chain letters, but the truth here is that I wouldn't really want to dictate the content of another person's blog. If this means I'm not allowed at the cool kids' table, I can accept that.

Anyway, here is the part I have opted to complete.

Six things that are weird about me:

• I have a freakish memory. Floating around in here are the lyrics to virtually every song I've ever heard more than once. This includes, in many cases, the year the song came out and biographical details about the artist. I can reconstruct entire sentences and conversations with people I haven't spoken to in years. All this really means is that I'm good at Trivial Pursuit and am usually right when an argument hinges upon whether so-and-so said or did something, and when.
• And yet I cannot remember the names or faces of people I meet until I have encountered them many times, and I sometimes forget common words for things. My band was called Map of July originally as a joke about an instance where I could not think of the word "calendar." The name stuck for almost a decade.
  
• It is common for me, upon entering a new place of employment, to not speak to any of the people there, unless required by my work, for a period of up to 3 months.
• Like someone else who completed this assignment, I had a weird speech problem as a child which resulted in my repeating back to myself everything I said for several years. I eliminated this tic completely by about the eighth grade, although I still catch myself doing it internally sometimes. Until I read the post linked above, I was unaware that anyone else had suffered from this problem.
  
• I have always had the urge to write, even before I could physically do so. When I was three or four, I can remember dictating a series of stories for my brother to scribble out for me. These do not survive, but from what I recall they were formulaic and predictable. I don't know if he remembers this or not, but it stands out in my mind.
• I do not allow people into my home. I'm working on this one. Including my cable installation, I have had perhaps five separate people into my apartment in the nearly three years I have lived in my current place.
  

So, there's my six things. I really do think I'm mostly normal, though, which may or may not be a seventh thing.

Apologies to Zilla for not passing it along, but anyone reading who would like to make a list themselves is certainly welcome to do so. Leave a comment and I'll check it out.

Ten things I would never do

Another borrowed meme:

Ten things I would never do
(which I stole from so many people that I don't know where to begin attribution)

1. Call someone "baby" in an unironic way. Unless he or she was an actual, documented baby.

2. Shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

3. Eat jellied eels. (Or any one of a number of other things which skeeve me out.)

4. Correctly spell "misspell" on the first try.

5. Succumb to that weird urge to jump when looking down from a high place.

6. Become comfortable around spiders.

7. Willingly give up my Mac.

8. Fail to give a long-winded, boring lecture upon hearing the names of any of my favorite musicians.

9. Skip dessert merely because I hadn't finished my vegetables.

10. Watch reality television (at least the mean-spirited ones).

Additionally, here is my list of
Ten things I would never do again

1. Intentionally hurt someone.

2. Steal from KMart.

3. Eat a whole can of chocolate fudge cake frosting in my underwear because I am sad.

4. Date a co-worker, or more than two women named Jennifer in a row.

5. Turn down a full scholarship to a college or university for no good reason.

6. Drunk-dialing.

7. Base my self-worth on the opinions of others (boy, I sure hope you guys like this one).

8. Choose good money over good people when considering career options.

9. Wear a jean jacket with a fedora for several years in a row (or probably ever).

10. Simultaneously give up on all of the things that are important to me.

Way, way too much information

I stole this list from Stagbeetle, who got it from Cheryl, who apparently got it from Zilla.

Anyway, I thought I'd give it a shot. The idea is to fill in only one word without providing any explanation. Maybe some of you will be interested in doing this yourselves. It's a lot harder than it looks, or it was for me. But we go to any length for a new post here at Unchecked Naval Gazing. Oops, I mean The Moon Topples.

Mine reads:

1. Yourself: variable
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse): misplaced
3. Your hair: unkempt
4. Your mother: supportive
5. Your father: N/A
6. Your favorite item: Powerbook
7. Your dream last night: none
8. Your favorite drink: mocha
9. Your dream car: flying
10. The room you are in: office
11. Your ex: disappoint(ing)(ed)
12. Your fear: future
13. What you want to be in 10 years? better
14. Who you hung out with last night? cat
15. What you're not? cool
16. Muffins: okay
17. One of your wish list items: clarity
18. Time: inconsistent
19. The last thing you did: email
20. What you are wearing: brown
21. Your favorite weather: chilly
22. Your favorite book: Vonnegut
23. The last thing you ate: sugary
24. Your life: strange
25. Your mood: mercurial
26. Your best friend: insightful
27. What are you thinking about right now? censorship
28. Your car: beaten
29. What are you doing at the moment? procrastinating
30. Your summer: distant
31. Your relationship status: ridiculous
32. What is on your TV? antenna
33. What is the weather like? angry
34. When is the last time you laughed? today