Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos

I walked over to the school which is doubling today as my precinct's one-stop-shop for all your ballot-casting needs. They told me no fewer than seven times that I was in the wrong place, but I kept showing them my official card from the Board of Elections, and eventually figured out that they were looking for my name to be listed under Herman, which is my middle name but very much not my surname.

So my persistence paid off and I took my ridiculously oversized ballot into the booth to be a part of American democracy. I live in an enormously Democratic district (we went about 80% for Gore in 2000), but I was still a little surprised by how many of the local positions didn't even have a Republican candidate. I thought of writing myself in for Water Board Commissioner, but ultimately decided that I was not at this time the man for the job, so I stepped down from my sudden and imaginary candidacy in order to spend more time with my family and to enter rehab.

On the back was a list of about 50 judges, and I was allowed to decide whether or not I thought they should remain on the bench. I never remember that this is on the ballot, and had failed to research them. I ended up saying "sure, why not" to all of the judges who didn't list a nickname in quotes on the ballot. Nicknames on a ballot lack a certain air of high-minded legal scholarship. And I'm sure that by not researching these judges, I signalled my approval for at least one blustery windbag or doddering idiot who was appointed for political reasons. And it might be that Lawrence "Larry" McAddington is a fine man.

I was rewarded for casting my vote with a small sheet of pre-printed paper from a pad about three inches tall. Not even a sticker that I could put on and wear throughout the day, waggling it with smug superiority at anyone who hadn't voted.

Because I live in Chicago, I was immediately offered the chance to vote again. So I repeated my ballot (this time allowing nicknamers to keep their posts), but I decided not to go a third time because I didn't want to appear greedy.


Anonymous said...


Glad to hear you also did your civic duty (uhhh.. he said "DUTY") and casted your vote(s). I happen to live in an almost all Republican area, and had a few uncontested GOP candidates on the ballot. I paused when looking at their names, saddened that no one in my party would even attempt to run. I too considered writing myself in, but the thought of actually mounting a campaign for a second term, and having all my skeletons exposed was a bit intimidating. What can I say? I was young, drank a lot, and hung around the fire station just a LITTLE too often.

I have to say that there was one thing really bothered me as the election coverage carried late into the evening. It wasn't the projections of winners with 2% of the votes counted. It wasn't the silly graphics each network came up with displayed on HUGE screens behind the anchors and pundits. Nope, that was all expected and at this point accepted. It was this: POLITICIANS NEED TO STOP HIGH-FIVING. They simply look ridiculous. They don't know how to do it. Every time I saw another 58-ish year old white guy throwing a patty-cake-like hand in the air, my skin crawled. Like watching my uncle dance to "Celebration" at a wedding reception. YECHHHHH.

Not that they don't deserve to celebrate after a long, hard-fought race. They do. But I don't want to see Joe Leiberman "laying some skin" on some campaign worker. They almost look as relieved that their hands actually made contact as they are that they've won their respective contest. Joe, you're a politician - a legislator - not a power forward for the Knicks. Would a handshake be so bad? A hug? I'm willing to give you the holding-hands-in-the-air-with-campaign-manager move, even though it almost always lasts a few awkward seconds too long. But the high-five should be off-limits (please note my resistance to declare "MAN-LAW" - which also needs to go).

Props to my home girl Nancy Pelosi - our next Speaker of the Hizz-ouse! (See? wrong, isn't it?)

OK, so I'm breaking your rule, Maht, of having a comment run longer than your post. Sorry.

Peace out,

The Moon Topples said...

Dirk: The fire station?!?

What bothers me about your comment isn't so much the length, but that I feel certain you gave this exact speech on several morning talk-radio programs. Plus, Joe Leiberman probably won't get your comment, as he stopped reading my blog a long time ago.

Dirk, not all politicians are in their 50s, male, or white. Are you saying it's OK for the others to continue to take part in these rituals?

I personally could go for a proposition on the next ballot banning the high-5 altogether. For everyone.

If nothing else, it's disrespectful to the brave men and women with fewer than five fingers per hand.

He Who Does Not Subscribe said...

Get your own blog, willya Dirk? You got a lot to say! A lot!!

You can start by expounding on the fact that you "hung around the fire station just a LITTLE too often." What the heck does that mean?

I voted for Gore. I didn't hear the results. Did he beat that awful witchy bushman?

Anonymous said...


Morning talk-radio programs? Ouch, man. THAT hurts.

I know that not all politicians are white males in their fifties - they just seem to be the ones I see high-fiving. (Incidentally I recall seeing Barbara Boxer tongue-kissing one of her female campaign workers after a victory speech, and THAT was TOTALLY HOT!)

And yes, high-fiving is disrespectful to those who are digitally-challenged, espcially Muppets and Peanuts characters.


Anonymous said...


I'm legally bound not to talk about any of the details concerning the firehouse incident, which I now refer to as "The Firehouse Incident." The best I can tell you is that there doesn't need to be a fire for a fireman to slide down a pole.

Oh, and yes, Gore won.

So did the Tigers.

Wanna keep going?


sexy said...