Wednesday, November 15, 2006

It is my intention to steal Xmas

I have figured out my project for December. I shall execute a heist so elaborate, they'll be talking about it for years and years. This year, it is my intention to steal Xmas.

Xmas, or Christmas as it is also known, is a large holiday falling toward the end of December. I forget when, but I shall learn its assigned date. It is generally a time of gift-giving and familial celebration. Stealing it would be a big feather in my cap. Huge.

I introduced the idea to a couple of friends this evening and they are in. There was some discussion of how to distribute all the the presents we would end up with, but once these details can be worked out, I have the core of my team in place. We decided to only steal Xmas from this hemisphere. Kirsten thought going for both hemispheres would be a logistical nightmare. I agree.

I'm thinking bigger, though. It is not enough for me to steal all of the presents and trees and feast ingredients, like a certain half-assed, shrunken-hearted, green poseur did. I intend to steal the whole shebang: the music, the last-minute shopping, It's a Wonderful Life, egg nog, Santa, heartwarming episodes of your favorite shows. Everything! If I am fully successful, you shall awaken on Xmas morning unsure of why it is you do not have to go to work. You won't even miss it.

Obviously, I cannot tell you much about my plan. I will not even be telling the members of the team much beyond what they need to know to execute their tasks. So much can go wrong.

I figure I need maybe seven people to pull this off. I have three, so I'm looking for four more. It would be great, since all of us on the team now are white, to have some minorities in the bunch. This is an equal-opportunity heist. At the very least, if you join the group, you should be okay with being written as a minority in the screenplay about our magnificent score that I plan to write sometime in January. You should also have a set of black clothes and be able to lift at least 50 lbs. at a time.

I am neither greedy nor heartless. I will give some of Xmas back to anyone who has a good enough reason. Also to people who regularly read this blog. If you are unsure whether my gang and I will spare you, you may request an Xmas waiver by writing (25 words or less, please) why you need it this year.

"But wait," a co-conspirator asked me this evening. "What if we get caught?"

"We'll have Xmas," I coolly replied. "I think they'll be willing to negotiate."

One last big score, and then I shall retire. I've had my eye on some land in the North Pole for some time now, where it is quite cold, but there is no extradition treaty.


CC2383 said...

I knew you were evil. However, if Xmas was gone I wouldn't have to buy anyone presents... And seeing as how I don't need anymore ugly sweaters, or costume jewlery... I'm in, and I'm 1/4 mexican so there you go! Let me know how I can help.

Julia Buckley said...

Keep it.


Oh, can I just have the mulled wine back tho?

Anonymous said...


If there's room, I'm in. I haven't decided which member of your "crew" to be though. I could be the guy who blows stuff up, the lock-picker, the computer-hacker, or the get-away driver. We have a new (well, new to US) Ford Windstar that'll fit seven. Perfect right? Also, I have a few bottle-rockets left-over from this year's Fourth of July party. If I'm gonna be the hacker-guy, let's hope everyone is still running Mac-Classic. Do you know where I can get one of those lock-picking things they use in the movies? You know, the two wire-like paper clip things.

Let me know where you need me, boss.

Can I be Mr. White?

The Moon Topples said...

Julia: Your Xmas is safe anyway. Apparently I caused some confusion by saying only "this hemisphere." I meant the one with North and South America and parts of Antarctica.

CC & Dirk: Welcome aboard. I knew I could count on you. Once I get your paperwork from human resources, you'll be receiving your orientation packet. You keep the canary copy of everything.

CC: For now, just keep your eyes open for manifestations of Xmas we may be overlooking. Keep some sort of list, and double check it.

Dirk: I'm guessing from your post that you'll be the wheelman. Practice driving at a velocity approaching the speed of light. Don't worry if your mass also approaches infinity. This is perfectly normal.

Just two more crew members and we're all set!

Julia Buckley said...

Sorry. Won't try and gatecrash again!

Unknown said...

If you've read my post about the Anti Christmas then you know that I'm 100% behind you on this. I'm ready and willing to be an agent of this "best idea ever." I'm white...does being a lesbian meet your minority requirement?

Seriously, though - if you could make Xmas disappear you'd be giving me the only thing that I ever really wanted for Christmas...just make sure to preserve the day off of work, okay?

The Moon Topples said...

Julia: You are always welcome here. I was just saying that Britain will not be affected. We'd need like nine people for that, and I don't think I can scare up the extra muscle.

Zorak: welcome aboard. Human resources tells me we're still missing your I-9 form. Can you stop by Helen's desk and fix this?

sexy said...