Fiction Excerpt from NaNo
Thought I'd put a little taste of my NaNo piece up for your perusal, Blogreader. Although this isn't something I'm planning on publishing, I like bits of it, and thought I could maybe share some of those bits from time to time. This here's from Chapter Three. Comments and feedback are of course welcome.
WARNING: There is language in this excerpt which may be unsettling for some very sensitive readers. So don't read it if you've selected a small group of words to deem offensive.
Will’s guide at Crunch! was named Gordon: a hulking, easily excited man with a penchant for the word “pumped” and a sleeveless t-shirt which read “hobo.” He walked Will through the four floors of “awesome workout gear,” before guiding him to a table in the juice bar.
“So, you in?” Gordon had ordered a blended fruit drink and poured it into two cups so that they might share it. There were shots of wheatgrass, vitamins, bee pollen and Will didn’t know what else, mixed in with what tasted mostly like strawberries.
“Bee pollen?” Will countered. He had very poor sales resistance, and wanted to take the pitch as slowly as possible.
“Oh, yeah. Full of protein and helps you stay healthy. We didn’t used to carry it, so I was pretty pumped when we got some in.”
“But a bee isn’t a plant. It doesn’t produce pollen.”
Gordon looked sullen. “It comes from bees,” he insisted.
“I’m just saying that it’s probably flower pollen, which maybe bees have gathered. Or done something to. Um, this is delicious, by the way.”
“Yeah,” Gordon latched on to the opportunity to stop scrutinizing the pollen. “These shakes rock like a motherfucker. This one’s called ‘Strawberry Fields,’ if you want to order it again once you join. Usually a good one for after a workout.” He finished his portion of the shake in one long draught, wiping his lips with a napkin in a way that struck Will as dainty and weirdly endearing.
“Like a motherfucker,” Will agreed. “’Strawberry Fields.’”
8 comments:
I like it Moon.
I think it's very promising. And the swear words actually give body & colour to your work.
Don't remove them but add on. It works.
Why do I get the feeling that the Strawberry Fields might turn out to be a bit more than what it seems at first...?
Susan: I have no intention of deleting that language. I just realized as I was about to publish the post that I don't really tend to swear on my blog, and was attempting to stave off any comments about obscenities. From, you know, my mom. Thanks for the encouragement.
Cailleach: I'm not sure that the drink ever makes a return appearance, but I like the way your mind works. Perhaps I should post a quick synopsis of the the book to help folks contextualize. Probably do that soon.
Mr Topples
I'm hooked.Let's have some more then.
I think I would have been really scared if I was reading that and Strawberry Fields Forever started playing on my media player.
Instead it was only Elenor Rigby which technically started before I started reading.
Very nice dialogue. Keeps it moving and the reader immediately gets a sense of these being two quite different characters.
What are they going to do next???
Now you've got me wanting to read more :)
The bee thing creeps me out, though... could be because I'm allergic...
CC, That's So Pants: Thanks. I'll probably post little chunks every now and then.
Silver: Still, a sort of coincidence. Extra credit for listening to the Beatles while reading my blog.
Liz: Thanks much for the encouragement. As for what they'll do next...who knows?
Zorak: "...wanting to read more" is one of the nicest states for a writer to hear about. Thanks very much.
And don't worry. The bee pollen doesn't do anything to anyone. I've just always wondered about bee pollen, and this was a chance to have some people talk about that in a way that showed a bit about how they think.
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