Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Ask the Moon - November 6

Pundy from, uh...here writes:

Dear Mr Moon Topples

I am so relieved to have stumbled upon your blogsite because I am at my wit's end with a problem that up to now I have been too embarrassed to talk about. Your confidential advice service is my last hope.

Here's my problem which - brace yourself - I'm sure you will agree would bring a tear to the hardest heart. If hearts could cry, that is. You know what I mean. As you've probably guessed by the lyrical quality of this plea, I am an aspiring writer who is absolutely desperate to break into the big-time world of bestsellerdom. The difficulty I have - which is proving unamenable to treatment either on the NHS or even homeopathetically - is that -I can hardly bring myself to write this down - I do my best work when I am lying in bed at night, in the wee small hours, composing the words in my head into my literary masterpiece. Come the dawn I leap up and attack my computer as I feverishly jot down my masterpiece.

Where's the problem, I hear you ask (assuming you're still reading this, that is)? The problem is, not to put too fine a point on it, that I CAN'T STAY AWAKE AT NIGHT. As soon as I climb into bed and my head hits the pillow I fall asleep. To compound my misery I never wake up until the sun is high in the sky the following day.

As a result of my sleepfulness I am suffering from extended writer's block. My lack of fecundity with words is driving me crazy. Parodoxically, although I am well-rested I am also exhausted.

Please, please help - you are my last chance. Yawn. Excuse me, I would like to say more but it's nearly my bedtime and I must go.

*****

Dear Pundy:

Don't worry. From what I can see, your problems are all physiological in nature. The words are there, but your body is hindering your mind's ability to get them out and into the world properly. This is not an uncommon experience. It is well documented that the body and the brain hate one another.

First, to tackle the sleeping issue: whenever I get a letter in which a desperate reader falls asleep as soon as he lays head to pillow, my advice is always the same: remove the pillow. It seems clear to me that without such soft cradling of the head, your wakefulness should increase dramatically (studies suggest at least 60%).

Should you fall asleep anyway, putting a rooster inside an east-facing room with no blinds or shades should help you to be able to attack the dawn more regularly. Roosters can be bought nearly anywhere these days (except vending machines, unless you live in Japan), and cost very little to feed, especially if your house is made out of seeds.

Your letter did indeed bring a tear to my heart, Pundy. When I read of how frustratingly well-rested you have been, I knew I would have to leap in and offer whatever help I could. The advice above should set you back on the path to sleep-starved novelist in no time.

—Moon


*****

Sometimes readers seek advice without taking the plunge and composing a special letter. For the anonymous visitor who clicked into my site recently from a search for "stop smoking Sarah cat," I offer the following...

Dear SSSC,

Getting a cat to quit smoking is indeed a difficult task. Many of the standard nicotine-replacement therapies available to humans are problematic for a feline. The patch, for instance, requires you to shave the poor thing, and even then there is a good chance that the critter will simply try to eat the patch off of its body. They also lack the patience and discipline for the lozenge or the gum, and clinical trials indicate that the inhaler makes them hallucinate.

Before I get into more concrete suggestions, I do want to say how grotesquely irresponsible it is to get a cat hooked on cigarettes in the first place. A cat will not, on its own, take up the habit. It cannot work a lighter or a book of matches. It has no thumbs, and cannot flick ashes into an ashtray. Even the shape of a cat's mouth is not naturally conducive to forming the sort of seal around the filter that smoking generally requires.

My guess, SSSC, is that your Sarah must have painstakingly trained the animal to smoke, which must have taken a tremendous amount of time and money. And now that the trick is no longer quite so amusing at parties, she is regretting her choice. Or perhaps the cat has expressed a desire to quit, but does not feel he or she can do so alone.

Either way, cats generally respond best to a cold turkey approach. Feed the cat cold turkey every time it expresses a desire for another cigarette. Make sure that both you and the feline have agreed on a quit date, and try to be supportive of your pet's needs during this time. Blowing up and yelling because the cat has scratched a piece of furniture or urinated on your computer is only going to create stress, which the cat is by now conditioned to respond to with a craving for nicotine. Talk in soothing tones, stroke its fur, and have plenty of chilled turkey meat available. It is normal for a feline to gain weight during this process. Encourage exercise, and do not berate your furry friend for no longer being as svelte as it once was.

—Moon

*****

Confidential to WS in Luxembourg:

Do not panic. Such things are normal this close to an event of this type. Your arranged bride is probably just as scared by all of this as you are.

*****

Moon Topples, Advice Columnist is still hoping you will Ask the Moon. He is a bonded and licensed advicer who can easily see into the heart of any matter and right all wrongs. He enjoys late-night talks and long strolls on the beach. Send your questions to the email at left.

11 comments:

Debi said...

Dear Mr Topples. I'm at my wits' end. You're my last hope. You see I have this problem. It's a very big problem. It all started when this witch said I'd enjoy chatting with this guy in Chicago. I should have known better, really I should. Now he pops up at the most awkward moments. Like now. I've only managed to fend him off by telling him I have an urgent blog comment to leave. He knows about blogging, you see. But he's still lurking there. I can see him, all orange in the low down bit at the bottom of my screen even as I type. And he's so patronising he'll no doubt correct me and tell me it's called a technominimiser tagurism. Sometimes his chats are just one word. Or just one letter. k.

The thing is my kids are still up and they're in my bed and it's late and they're making a noise and I can't concentrate but I know that when I finish this comment I'm going to have to go back to him. He's waiting. He's waiting. He's still waiting.

I'm very scared. Please please help, Mr Topples. If you have any idea who this lowlife lurker is, I trust you'll use your influence to ensure my safety.

Very much love but only if you can help. Otherwise I'll never come here again.

Debi x

The Moon Topples said...

Debi: I shall take your question under advisement and you can expect a reply soon.

zorak163 said...

Thank you, Mr. Topples. The section about the smoking cat brought some much needed laughter into my life. I'm digging the new advice column thing - I might just have to send you a question...

zorak163 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Dear Mr Moon

I am beside myself and you're the only one left to whom I may turn to fir help. My problem is practical, existential and esoteric in nature.

It is this. I have snails. In my garden. They are eating all my plants. Spring is being ruined. I don't know what to do.

Now I know you will say the obvious thing is to hunt them down at dawn's early light, or to play hopscotch on them, or to simply put down snail bait. But here's my dilemma. I was told by an esteemed friend that it is bad karma to kill anything the goddess created (with the possible exception of fleas and mosquitoes which are apparently the work of the evil one). The friend also told me that is believed by revered eastern monks that is is quite likely that the one snail one does actually leave bereft of life, may have been one's grandmother. I wouldn't have minded so much if it had been a particular aunt of mine... But I digress.

Please, dear Mr Moon, what can I do about the snails? How can I save my garden? The guinea fowl won't eat the snails unless they are pre-crushed... But I really don't want to endure the wrath of the goddess or run the risk of accidentally stepping on my late grandmother. Do you perhaps know of a Pied Piper service for snails?

All and any advice would be most gratefully appreciated. You are my last hope.

Yours sincerely
Vanilla Notsogreenfingers

caveblogem said...

Mr. Topples, It appears you have found your calling. If I ever need advice on anything, no matter how small or ridiculous, I will turn to you. You can be absolutely certain of that.

The Moon Topples said...

Zorak: Long time, no see. Thanks for the kind words. And feel free to Ask the Moon anything. He really knows it all.

AbVan: You have been added to the queue. Rest assured, though, that your problem will be totally solved.

Cavey: I look forward to hearing your questions. Especially if they are small or ridiculous.

Matthew said...

I'm loving both the questions and answers. I too enjoy the calls for help that show themselves as search terms. Recently someone found my site looking for "nice long hair steaks". I'm not sure if my site provided the answer they were looking for.

Minx said...

It seems Mr Pundy has another problem today - he has been glamourised!

Warning: put down hot drinks before entering this site.

Reading the Signs said...

Mr. Moon! I have been anxiously awaiting your reply to my question of how I'm to go about winning the lottery and becoming a multi-millionaire.

Oh, but no matter. Your insights are many and great, you are doing a great job and I'll keep looking in. There's that little matter of the "mundane mists" though: could you clear that up for me? Mine are particularly misty in the morning but most concentratedly mundane in the afternoon.

Should I be writing Haikus?

The Moon Topples said...

Matthew: I have said before what a crushing disappointment I must be to some of these people who click in from random search terms. Most of them are misspelling the word "topless," though.

Minx: Well, I've already solved Pundy's problems. If he cares to Ask the Moon again, I'll be happy to help again.

Signs: Yes, you should be writing haiku. Maybe that can be your NaNo project: a string of a couple thousand haiku! I can picture it now...

And your lottery query is in the queue. I'm a tad behind...