Friday, November 02, 2007

Ask the moon!

Hello, Blogreader! You're looking well.

I have decided that writing a novel, acting in a play, looking for work and doing a blog post every day throughout November is not enough for me. I have decided to use the power of the internet to launch an exciting new career:

Mr. Moon Topples, advice columnist. Or Agony Aunt for the limier of my readers. Well, Agony Uncle, really. Why don't we just all agree that it's "advice columnist" and move on.

Although my personal life is sometimes a laughable shambles, I believe that my years on this Earth have prepared me for this. I stand before you ready to answer all of your questions about life, love, and even the mysteries of the mercury seeps, way down in the depths of the ocean. I know it all! I am never stumped!

Not sure which pie you should order? Ask the moon! Can't find your car keys? Ask the moon! Concerned that the cat who eyed you from that apartment window is actually a terrifying beast sent here from another dimension to lay waste to all you hold dear? Ask the moon!

Submit your quandries, questions, quagmires and queries to the email at left, and I will respond here in public! Right here on this very page! (Sorry, I have a lot of exclamation marks I have to use up before the end of the year.)

Disclaimer: "Moon Topples, Advice Columnist" is for entertainment purposes only. In every case, he will attempt to make jokes about the questions being asked, so take care not to ask anything about which you are not prepared to poke fun. No actual advice will be given, and not all emails will be replied to. Questions considered "funny" by the author will receive preferential treatment, as will problems which are obviously fake. Moon Topples is a registered trademark of Wayne McAvoy Industries.


Taffiny said...

This blog reader does not look well, I look like hell. (sorry to tell. Maybe Minxy has a swell unhell spell). clearly it is way way past my bedtime.

Though you have been kind enough to answer my techy questions via email, Mr. Topples, you always ignore my silly ones, so I wont be sending you any more anymore (but I am sure I will still ask some here from time to time, as it seems to be in my nature.) That said, I will gladly read funny responses to the email questions of others.

Goodnight Moon, goodnight comb, goodnight brush, goodnight..something about a bowl of mush and an old lady whispering hush? Somewhere in there, there is a goodnight nobody. I forget how it goes...goodnight.

pundy said...

Dear Mr Moon Topples

I am so relieved to have stumbled upon your blogsite because I am at my wit's end with a problem that up to now I have been too embarrassed to talk about. Your confidential advice service is my last hope.

Here's my problem which - brace yourself - I'm sure you will agree would bring a tear to the hardest heart. If hearts could cry, that is. You know what I mean. As you've probably guessed by the lyrical quality of this plea, I am an aspiring writer who is absolutely desperate to break into the big-time world of bestsellerdom. The difficulty I have - which is proving unamenable to treatment either on the NHS or even homeopathetically - is that -I can hardly bring myself to write this down - I do my best work when I am lying in bed at night, in the wee small hours, composing the words in my head into my literary masterpiece. Come the dawn I leap up and attack my computer as I feverishly jot down my masterpiece.

Where's the problem, I hear you ask (assuming you're still reading this, that is)? The problem is, not to put too fine a point on it, that I CAN'T STAY AWAKE AT NIGHT. As soon as I climb into bed and my head hits the pillow I fall asleep. To compound my misery I never wake up until the sun is high in the sky the following day.

As a result of my sleepfulness I am suffering from extended writer's block. My lack of fecundity with words is driving me crazy. Parodoxically, although I am well-rested I am also exhausted.

Please, please help - you are my last chance. Yawn. Excuse me, I would like to say more but it's nearly my bedtime and I must go.

Unknown said...

Ha, Mr Moon, now that's a sneaky way to gain content for a month of NaBloPoMo - you're nothing if not inventive!

I shall have to have a long and hard think about my personal problems and will revert to you as soon as I've ascertained which is the most critical and in need of your wise input and solution. I am delighted that you will be offering this service and I look forward to a month of advice to all your dear readers.

Taffiny said...

as long as I am stopping by to use a link-

possible job idea- cat whisperer.

I am always so envious when they show that guy fixing people's dog troubles (or rather fixing the people that seem to be troubling the dogs). What about my cat? Who can help with that?

The Moon Topples said...

Taffiny: Well, if you feel you've asked silly questions, then Ask the Moon may be just the ticket. As for cat whispering, I'm not sure if you read my post "The Sphinx Position," but even with my own cats there seems to be a lack of proper communication. I may be ill-suited for the task.

Pundy: My first question! Thanks so much for submitting your problem. I promise I will answer yours first.

AbVan: Well, I look forward to solving all of your problems. Ask the Moon. He knows things.

Taffiny said...

well if that is the one about trying to teach your cat riddles/jokes, I have, which despite the fact that you think you have not been successful is why I thought of this job for you.

Oh well, siamese cat is annoying and there is no hope, no help in sight. At least he is not lying on my left hand and licking my computer at present.

Unknown said...

Mr. Moon,

I have a problem and I don't know where to turn:

Does this look infected to you?