My interview

Recently, I sat down with Julia Buckley of Buckley on the Blog for an in-depth interview*. What follows is a partial transcript:

Julia Buckley: Thanks for doing this, Maht. You are truly great.

Moon Topples: No problem. Glad I can help.

JB: Seriously. You are great. OK, ready? (MT nods.) So what's your biggest fear?

MT: (smiling, jocular) Well, right now, Julia, it's doing this interview. (Chuckles to self. JB's expression hardens until she is staring icily at him. MT swallows nervously.) Uh. Looking back and finding I never did the things I wanted to do.

JB: What's your most megalomaniacal ambition?

MT: Well, I'd like to have my name on more stuff. Books, cds, etc. I'd like it if people I had never met had heard of me in some positive context. Maybe build a skyscraper or statue to honor me. But mostly books and artistic things, I guess. The notion that what I might have to say could be universally desired.

JB: When you’re talking to your boss, you’re usually thinking...

MT: Is this a fill in the blank thing?

JB: Yes, and you're ruining the rhythm.

MT: Sorry. Well, I don't really have a boss. I guess I'm my boss, so when I'm talking to me, I guess I'm thinking how difficult it is to trick my boss into believing something I know to be less than true.

JB: What is your most disgusting habit?

MT: Depends on who you ask. Smoking, maybe. Or the amount of time I can allow a dish to sit uncleaned.

JB: Criteria for judging other people?

MT: Talent, poise, swimsuit.

JB: I'm getting really tired of your joke answers.

MT: Yeah: me, too. Can I stop for a second and get a drink of water?

JB: No. Next question: How do you measure up?

MT: Well, I usually secure one end of the tape measure against the floor with my foot and then I pull...

JB: What did I just say?

MT: I'm sorry.

JB: About the joking around?

MT: Yes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm very nervous.

JB: Just try to behave. What do you think when you see a fat person eating fast food?

MT: Well, I'm American. I see this sight far too often to have a special thought each time.

JB: How about when you see thin person smoking?

MT: Uh, "where'd that mirror come from?" I smoke, you know, and am still mostly thin. I'm in no position to judge anybody.

JB: When you meet someone of the same gender who’s more attractive than you, inside you think...

MT: "How utterly common..."

JB: When you meet someone of the opposite gender who’s less attractive than you, inside you think...

MT: "I should set her up with the person from the previous question."

JB: The last lie you told was:

MT "Sure, Julia, I'd be happy to try out your meme."

JB: (not amused) Ha-ha.

MT: Sorry.

JB: Tell us about the time you read someone’s diary/hacked into their emails/went through their stuff.

MT: I don't think I've ever done that. I did find a box of letters and pictures in an apartment I rented once. I went through that and tried to imagine the life she must have had. I think she had died, and I looked through to get a sense of what she left behind.

JB: You know that person who you’re secretly jealous of - and there’s a part of you, that you can’t quite suppress, that wishes they would, just for once, get to taste a bit of your luck? Tell us what you hate about them – go on let it all out.

MT: Hmmm. I actually think I'm pretty lucky in lots of ways. I can't think of anyone who fits the description. Can I skip this one?

JB: (coldly) No.

MT: Uh, I guess I look at people who are "cool" sometimes and decide arbitrarily that they are shallow morons who wouldn't know a good idea or a quality person if they sat across the room shooting daggers out of his eyes at them. I've always wanted to fit in, and have never quite been able to, I guess. I'm jealous of people who do, or who can.

JB: The most expensive thing you’ve ever stolen was...

MT: Hmmm. I was quite a shoplifter for a little while there, but I can't think of anything expensive. Does someone's virtue count?

JB: No.

MT: Are you sure you don't like the joke answers better?

JB: Quite sure.

MT: Well, then, I must pass.

JB: Even though all your answers are true, you’re still a really good person because…

MT: I took the time to do your meme?

JB: Anything else?

MT: No, I am totally without virtues.

JB: OK, then. Thanks for taking the time to do this. You're super-fantastic.

MT: Well, I don't know about super.

JB: We're done now, Maht. Please stop talking.

MT: OK, but I...

JB: I said we're done. (walks away)

MT: (to self) Now get back to work.

MT: (still to self) Yessir.

* Actually, there was no interview. This is a meme she was cruel enough to tag me with. Her participation in this interview is totally fictitious, and any besmirchment of her character within is totally accidental.