Monday, March 05, 2007

My interview

Recently, I sat down with Julia Buckley of Buckley on the Blog for an in-depth interview*. What follows is a partial transcript:

Julia Buckley: Thanks for doing this, Maht. You are truly great.

Moon Topples: No problem. Glad I can help.

JB: Seriously. You are great. OK, ready? (MT nods.) So what's your biggest fear?

MT: (smiling, jocular) Well, right now, Julia, it's doing this interview. (Chuckles to self. JB's expression hardens until she is staring icily at him. MT swallows nervously.) Uh. Looking back and finding I never did the things I wanted to do.

JB: What's your most megalomaniacal ambition?

MT: Well, I'd like to have my name on more stuff. Books, cds, etc. I'd like it if people I had never met had heard of me in some positive context. Maybe build a skyscraper or statue to honor me. But mostly books and artistic things, I guess. The notion that what I might have to say could be universally desired.

JB: When you’re talking to your boss, you’re usually thinking...

MT: Is this a fill in the blank thing?

JB: Yes, and you're ruining the rhythm.

MT: Sorry. Well, I don't really have a boss. I guess I'm my boss, so when I'm talking to me, I guess I'm thinking how difficult it is to trick my boss into believing something I know to be less than true.

JB: What is your most disgusting habit?

MT: Depends on who you ask. Smoking, maybe. Or the amount of time I can allow a dish to sit uncleaned.

JB: Criteria for judging other people?

MT: Talent, poise, swimsuit.

JB: I'm getting really tired of your joke answers.

MT: Yeah: me, too. Can I stop for a second and get a drink of water?

JB: No. Next question: How do you measure up?

MT: Well, I usually secure one end of the tape measure against the floor with my foot and then I pull...

JB: What did I just say?

MT: I'm sorry.

JB: About the joking around?

MT: Yes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm very nervous.

JB: Just try to behave. What do you think when you see a fat person eating fast food?

MT: Well, I'm American. I see this sight far too often to have a special thought each time.

JB: How about when you see thin person smoking?

MT: Uh, "where'd that mirror come from?" I smoke, you know, and am still mostly thin. I'm in no position to judge anybody.

JB: When you meet someone of the same gender who’s more attractive than you, inside you think...

MT: "How utterly common..."

JB: When you meet someone of the opposite gender who’s less attractive than you, inside you think...

MT: "I should set her up with the person from the previous question."

JB: The last lie you told was:

MT "Sure, Julia, I'd be happy to try out your meme."

JB: (not amused) Ha-ha.

MT: Sorry.

JB: Tell us about the time you read someone’s diary/hacked into their emails/went through their stuff.

MT: I don't think I've ever done that. I did find a box of letters and pictures in an apartment I rented once. I went through that and tried to imagine the life she must have had. I think she had died, and I looked through to get a sense of what she left behind.

JB: You know that person who you’re secretly jealous of - and there’s a part of you, that you can’t quite suppress, that wishes they would, just for once, get to taste a bit of your luck? Tell us what you hate about them – go on let it all out.

MT: Hmmm. I actually think I'm pretty lucky in lots of ways. I can't think of anyone who fits the description. Can I skip this one?

JB: (coldly) No.

MT: Uh, I guess I look at people who are "cool" sometimes and decide arbitrarily that they are shallow morons who wouldn't know a good idea or a quality person if they sat across the room shooting daggers out of his eyes at them. I've always wanted to fit in, and have never quite been able to, I guess. I'm jealous of people who do, or who can.

JB: The most expensive thing you’ve ever stolen was...

MT: Hmmm. I was quite a shoplifter for a little while there, but I can't think of anything expensive. Does someone's virtue count?

JB: No.

MT: Are you sure you don't like the joke answers better?

JB: Quite sure.

MT: Well, then, I must pass.

JB: Even though all your answers are true, you’re still a really good person because…

MT: I took the time to do your meme?

JB: Anything else?

MT: No, I am totally without virtues.

JB: OK, then. Thanks for taking the time to do this. You're super-fantastic.

MT: Well, I don't know about super.

JB: We're done now, Maht. Please stop talking.

MT: OK, but I...

JB: I said we're done. (walks away)

MT: (to self) Now get back to work.

MT: (still to self) Yessir.

* Actually, there was no interview. This is a meme she was cruel enough to tag me with. Her participation in this interview is totally fictitious, and any besmirchment of her character within is totally accidental.


S. Kearney said...

This cracked me up Moon; :)

The Moon Topples said...

Shameless: Thanks. I never know what to do with a meme. Since I knew the origins of this one, though, I felt a little more free to take some liberties. I hope Julia won't be angry.

Anonymous said...

Man, that was one tough meme, Mr. T. You handled it well, better than I would have. Nice work.


heartinsanfrancisco said...

This made me laugh out loud. So loud, in fact, that I disturbed my cat, Truffle. Everyone knows it is bad to disturb a cat. So does that make me a bad person, or are you the bad person because your delightful post inspired that loud laughter?

Uh oh, another impossible question. Never mind.

The Moon Topples said...

GT: Thanks, but you would have done fine as well. In fact, I tag you with this very same meme. (laughs evilly and uncontrollably, begins coughing)

HinSF: I take that as a truly special compliment, coming from you. And the answer to your question is: it makes you a bad person. Everyone knows I'm both wonderful and above reproach.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I take your saying that I'm a bad person as a truly special compliment, coming from you.

Everyone knows that it takes one to know one.

Next, I stick out my tongue and moon you or something. (Oh, sorry.)

Caroline said...

bugger bugger bugger - you are a creative genius! Too good Mr Moon. So good! Can you do mine for me ...please????
I laughed out loud lots.
Please be my friend.

Anonymous said...

Very nice job. I really enjoyed this post.

The Moon Topples said...

HinSF: Seems like if you moon someone while sticking out your tongue, at least one of your insults is likely to go unnoticed. Try doing one, and then the other next time.

Caroline: We are already friends, aren't we? (looks worried)

Struggly: Thanks a lot. I had fun writing it as well.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Oh, right. I feel so foolish.

Of course, you're assuming that I have everything in the usual places.

The Moon Topples said...

HinSF: Yes, I suppose I was making that assumption. I apologize. That was poor logic on my part, perhaps. Another fault of mine, I guess.

Caroline said...

Mr Moon - you are a star!
I heart you dearly my friend. Very dearly.
I've emailed you to say thanks.

Unknown said...


Ms Melancholy said...

Laughing too...

Nikki Neurotic said...

Well, that was amusing.

The Moon Topples said...

Caroline: Glad I could help make your bad day a little better.

Minx, Ms M, SilverN: Thanks.

Unknown said...

Great way of handling the evil Ms Buckley's meme. I got tagged too, I thought I should play along in case she decided to try and make me into a chicken mayo sandwich...

The Moon Topples said...

atyllah: I can't imagine she would be so mean to a blogfriend. Wait, now I can't recall if I'm talking about the tagging or the usage in making a sandwich...