Wednesday, July 18, 2007

A letter to the internet, and some questions answered

Dear Internet,

Is it really such a funny joke to have my wireless network collapse on the day that I quit smoking? I am not famous for being an overly patient man under normal circumstances, and your little prank was really not appreciated.

Small slip this morning, Blogreader, after the networking problem combined with a coffee difficulty to reduce me to tears. But I am back on the wagon, back in control and moving forward.


Minx answered a series of questions posed by Clare, and invited me to do the same. Here goes...

1. What is the Book Whisperer?
The Book Whisperer is a mythical creature who can suss out the hidden meanings contained within virtually any book. A friend to high school English teachers and students. The most famous Book Whisperer, Cliff, has put together a series of small books containing the secrets teased out of many tales. If you didn't understand the part about the ducks in "Catcher in the Rye," a Book Whisperer can help.

2. Why can I smell when it is going to snow?
You can't. What you are smelling are the bodily secretions of the Snow Mite, a tiny creature dormant for much of the year, but who performs a vital function in nature by preparing the ground for snowfall. In the period before a snowfall, these guys work very hard, and end up sweating a lot.

3. Tell me about a road that leads to a world where there are no ideas.
Sometimes, the same road leads to your day job.

4. How can I get a memory out of my head?
Alcohol and time. Alternately, many memories can be removed by thinking of a pop song you dislike. The song will slowly expand in your brain, taking up all available room.

5. Where is Shallowland and what lives there?
My best guess is American suburbia, land of soccer moms and SUVs.

6. Who is the man that lives inside the sun?
Well, I guess he'd be a cousin of mine, since I live in the moon. Oh, you're asking who he is? Frank.

7. When did you first know who you were?
A Thursday at 8:23 am.

8. Why do gnats fly in spirals and never hit each other?

Wait. Why do they not hit each other? Well, because that would hurt.

9. What is love?

10. How can I capture a free spirit?
Tie a string to a stick. Use the stick to prop up one end of a box. Place a lure on a small dinner plate on the ground under the box. When the free spirit comes to investigate, pull on the string, releasing the stick and closing the box. By definition, though, once you've captured one, it is no longer free.


Anonymous said...

Awesome post. "Well, I guess he'd be a cousin of mine, since I live in the moon. Oh, you're asking who he is? Frank." - that cracked me up.

Good luck with the quitting smoking and the wireless network and keep your eyes on those Snow Mites.

Anonymous said...

Moan Cripples, I larfed and garbled at Minx's answers to these questions and yours are equally as funny. Just what I would expect from a mind like yours. Funny funny stuff.

Keep strong on the no smoking thing. Remember, you don't smoke and you can have healthy body like mine!

Unknown said...

My wireless is driving me crazy today...but I'm not quitting smoking so I'll quit my whining right this second. Hang in there young Jedi and you will be rewarded with clean, healthy lungs.

Unknown said...

There I was setting up that complicated contraption to capture a free spirit when I read the last line properly. Phew. Liked your answers a lot. And good luck with not puffing. BTW GT must have a really great body then, hey?

Unknown said...

GT is larfin' at us, what shall we do?

And btw, Maht, it's Bernie.

The Moon Topples said...

Struggles: I've tried many times to keep my eyes on the little guys, but they're incredibly small. Plus, they hide this time of year in this climate. No work, you know.

GT: Um. How do I put this delicately? Does...what you're saying mean I will shrink if I quit smoking? That'd be pretty weird, and I'd have to buy all new clothes. No one told me to expect that.

Liz: Thanks for the support.

Ver: As with all things, it is a good idea to read the entire set of directions before beginning assembly.

Minx: Laugh back. Either that or living well. Those are supposed to be good revenges. And I think I would know the name of my own cousin, Minxie. I'll thank you not to correct me again. It is possible, though, that he told you his name was Bernie for reasons of his own. He's something of a trickster.

Unknown said...

Frank was sacked. He hated the night shift and failed to turn up for work every night. Don't hassle him about it - he's trying to give up alcohol at the moment.

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Well done, you gave up smoking! Now don't give up on giving up ;-) You can do it. If it gets too tough there's lots of help out there, from hypnotherapy to Allan Carr's book. (BTW am providing this encouragement very quietly from underneath my desk because if you're anything like I was in the first few days, whatever anyone says about anything will be incredibly annoying!)

Anonymous said...

Mon Gripples, I meant my comment in a silly way -- you are supposed to be a healthy speciman once one gives up the fags, but you might end up like me (someone who has never smoked) -- all small and shrinky and thin and pale -- a perfect speciman of "unhealthiness."

Unknown said...

And I thought I was having a silly day... Bloody good, Maht - perhaps Cliff the Book Whisperer could come over to read some books to a friend of mine - Dave the Squirrel - he's eaten too many nuts and is lolling on the patio looking fat and bored.

The Moon Topples said...

Minx: You know I have no humor right now, and yet you insist on antagonizing me. Cruel, cruel minx. Plus there is no "night shift" in the sun, not to mention that nobody said anything about working in the sun. The question was about the man who lives there. Also, grr.

Zinnia: You are likely wise to remain hidden, but I am not going to attack you. Thanks for the support.

GT: I meant my reply in a silly way as well, oh sensitive one. Being already thin and pale, I guess I don't have much to lose in your scenario. Also, you are an American, so stop calling them "fags."

AbVan: Tell Dave to beware. Lolling about in the open air could make him easy prey for the snow mites. And your squirrel description reminds me a bit of "Phenomenal Cat" by the Kinks for some reason. Good song.

Unknown said...

I beg to differ, Mr Topples, everyone knows that the sun goes into night mode as soon as it drops off the edge of the world but as you appear to be suffering from an amputation of the humours I will be the gentle Minx that you know and love! Plus double grr.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

As much as I am tempted to hop into this fray... I will not.
I must not.

It's far too much fun sitting on the side giggling at all the hooplah going on.

Absolutely no composure here at all.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

fluttertongue said...

Hello - I seem to have got to the bottom of the page. Probably means I'm going to read more of your unreasonably engrossing blog when I have lots of stuff to be getting on with. Anyway, hello! I have discovered that once you catch a free spirit they become awfully boring. Best to let them continue their flight.