And I wasn't even tagged...

I cannot recall where I first saw this meme, but it's been making the rounds, and it's the type of meme I like: vaguely worded enough to play with.

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it. Well, at first I thought this said "pick at a scar you have," which would be an unpleasant thing to ask someone to do, and really something you could do with a scab more easily than a scar. Hmm. Don't know which one to pick. The one on my knee from when my brother tried to kill me as a toddler with a toy tractor? The one on my finger from cutting apples with a sharp knife while mad, years later, at same brother? The three tiny ones from my super-cool laser appendectomy? Now I've gone on and on without picking one, let alone explaining it. I guess I should just pass on this one.

2. What does your phone look like? List your reasons to buy it? Well, first, "list your reasons to buy it" is a statement and not a question. Which makes me wonder who, if anyone, proofreads memes. (Just kidding. It is obvious that no one does, or ever will.) The phone in my house looks amazingly like a Uniden cordless telephone, unless they mean the other one, which looks more or less like the kind which was popular in offices in the late 80s. Sturdy base, twisty cord, etc. My cellular phone looks like the Motorola RAZR. They all look like phones. I don't know what to tell you, or what sort of answer you were hoping for here. I bought them to be better able to communicate with people who are not here in my apartment.

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom? See, this is the question where they try to trip up unwitting but guilty souls, get them to say something like "a harness" or "the skin of my most recent victim." I, however, shall relate nothing so embarrassingly personal. I think it's a trick question, really. The obvious answer is a thin coat of paint. Flat, interior, off-white in case you had follow-up questions.

4. What is your current desktop picture? A picture of you, Blogreader. (creepy laugh). Okay, at the moment it's the one from yesterday's Phoctober offering: a picture of the Thames as seen through a locked gate on a bridge near Waterloo Station. I totally want to move there, as should be painfully obvious to even the most casual reader. Sham marriages are fine. Email at left.

5. Do you believe in gay marriage? Again, the wording here makes me suspicious. Like, do you believe in Santa Claus? I do believe in gay marriage. I have seen it. I also support it. I will further editorialize that if someone else being in love and celebrating that publicly threatens your own union, you are almost certainly doing it wrong.

6. What do you want more than anything right now? To finish this meme and work on my novel. To finish this meme and have a nice chat with friends. To finish this meme and find love. To finish this meme and be awarded a million dollars. To finish this meme seems to be the main thing.

7 . What time were you born? 8pm. Wait. Are you doing my chart? Someone already tried that. It was like my fourth blog post. Save yourself the trouble and read it here.

8. Are your parents still together? Physically? Are they still in their respective pieces? My mom is. Probably my father as well. They certainly aren't married anymore if that's what you're after, you nosy, nosy, nosy meme. They divorced in early 1981. Driven apart by the Rubik's Cube and "Bette Davis Eyes."

9. Last person who made you cry? Um. I guess my grandmother's funeral was probably the last time, other than tearing up sometimes at movies or tv shows. That's not a very fun question, Memewriter. Did you write this thinking that most people would enjoy being reminded of whatever thing someone did to them that made them so sad? Shame on you.

10. What is your favorite perfume / cologne? Hmmm. Not really a big fan of either. If you are wearing enough of either one for me to take note in my conscious mind, you are most likely giving me a headache.

11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex? What kind of hair/eye color? An adjective to describe the actual color I might have a preference for? Is this so you can publicly humiliate me and say I hate people with auburn hair should I choose to say "chestnut" or something? You are making me tired, Memewriter. As for the answer I must assume you actually want, I like hair that is brown, red, black, blonde or other. As for eyes—which are, after all, the window to the soul—I like a sclera of creamy white (not too red), a pupil which is round and appears black but is in fact clear and the iris to be either brown, blue, green, gray, hazel, or any other naturally occurring color. Dyed hair is fine. Dyed eyes are confusing. And a good way to blind yourself.

12. What are you listening to? Why? The soft clack of laptop keys. Why? Because I am depressing them with my fingers to produce the letters which make up the answers to this meme. I also have the Kinks' Village Green Preservation Society playing, and I can hear the shushing of cars on the street, an occasional shout from outside, and some sort of rustling sound right behind me which I can only hope is my cat and not an intruder.

13. Do you get scared of the dark? Not of it, no. Sometimes I am scared in it, though. Anything could be hiding in darkness. I have no way of knowing, since I rely so heavily on my sight to give me information. Great, now I'm freaked out and have to investigate that rustling sound.

14. Do you like painkillers? When I am in pain, or just generally? I get migraines, and during those times I love them. Other times I guess I do not think about them much. I have a feeling that I did not understand this question.

15. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Wait. Are you trying to get me to ask you out, Memewriter? I'm flattered, of course, but I don't know you at all. Burying an implied interest within a meme is not the way to capture my attention. Maybe we should just be friends for a while and see what happens. If that was not the goal of this question, I would say that the circumstances of asking someone out fluctuate wildly. There is no brief answer which would satisfactorily answer it in that instance, except possibly "sometimes."

16. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? I assume you are looking for something like "pizza" or "chocolate," but that would be a poor answer to such a ridiculously open-ended question. Working up slowly, I suppose a meal at the Italian place that used to be on Grand Ave but which is now something else entirely. And then the moon, South America or the polar icecaps. A building, submarine or all the Monopoly game sets ever produced. Any of these would surely bring me some measure of fame, which I could use to help me when I start shopping for a book deal.

17. Who was the last person who made you mad? As in angry, I assume, and not crazy. This is not a difficult feat to accomplish. Should I sift through all the various things which irked me today and settle on the biggest, or simply do as you ask and relate that most recent? I shall do the latter, in which case the answer is me. I shall not explain myself.

18. List one habit you have that has the potential to annoy people? I think my tendency to answer memes with long-winded answers which may or may not even address the question being asked probably annoys some people. Especially when I seem to be more interested in proving how clever I am by attacking the semantics of the question—when it is painfully clear to almost anyone what the question is actually driving at—than contributing to the spirit of the meme and answering questions for the benefit of those who might wish to know something about me. Perhaps even you are annoyed by this tendency.

19. Who was the last person who made you smile? You, Blogreader, for reading this far. I'm frankly shocked you stuck with it. I know you must have other things to do. I barely made it to the end myself. I am flattered. I smile at you.