Saturday, November 10, 2007

Ask the Moon - November 10

Yeah, yeah. I promised a post Thursday night. And here it is just moments before the stroke of Sunday. In my defense, I should point out that I claimed to be able to solve your problems, not my own. And with a show opening, and some other factors, I just couldn't post until now.

I'll tell you about opening night in another post.

*****

Inx Minner from Cornville England writes:

Dear Mr Moon,

I have recently purchased a new pair of witchy tights. To all intents and purposes these tights are indeed very witchy - a very definite purple and black stripe which is so fetching when worn with the pointy boot.

However, I have been duped. These tights have no feet, they are in fact a 'footless' tight. What is the meaning of this?

The shop (Gothic Dreams) from which they were bought is certainly the most trendy place for a witch to buy her nocturnal apparel but what on earth does one do with a pair of tights that are missing a vital piece? I tried tying a knot in the end of the legs but that was very uncomfortable and I couldn't get my boots on - it also meant that the crutch was lowered to knee level which made the riding of a broomstick almost impossible.
I am in despair and have very cold feet. Please advise.

Yours regardlessly...


Inx: I assume that the obvious solution—removing your feet—had already occurred to you before you wrote in. So I'm assuming that you are looking to wear the tights at the same time as you are wearing feet and, I see from your letter, boots as well.

My best guess is that the shop from "witch" the tights were purchased is trying to make more money off of you. Was there a bin of very short stockings near the cash register? Or perhaps they are counting on your tying the ends together and hoping to sell you some larger boots (one assumes they have some solution for the mid-thigh crotch problem as well, and that this will also set you back a pretty penny).

I recently bought a "tank top" from a store, thinking that wearing something armored might be a prudent thing to try from time to time in the huge, dangerous city in which I live. Imagine my surprise when I got the garment home to discover only a thin piece of cotton. My mood darkened further when I discovered that there were no sleeves of any kind, merely a strap for each shoulder. It was basically a torso sock. As the customer is always right, I stormed back into the store and flung the thing into the face of first a crying cashier and then the store manager. Long story short, I am no longer allowed inside the Gap. They put up my picture and everything.

Hope that helps!

*****

Dear Uncle Moon,

I want to know how I can win the jackpot on the lottery as I would like to have a lot of money and be stinking rich. I am a woman of wide experience but this has so far eluded me. I did try a couple of times but though I gave it my best shot and put the numbers I thought looked lucky, nothing came of it. Please do not advise me to go and write a best-selling book instead because I particularly want a lot of money without having had to work for it just to know what that feels like and because - well - I'm worth it.

I hope you were joking with that disclaimer you put at the bottom of your post, because I have today ordered a Porsche, booked a luxury holiday in the Maldives and promised the bank that my overdraft will be cleared imminently. So I am rather relying on your advice. I know you won't let me down.

Thanking you in anticipation,

Signs.


Signs: Don't fret. By taking my advice, you will be able to keep the car, the holiday, and the promise to your bank.

You mentioned in your letter that you had tried picking the numbers that "looked lucky." And therein lies your error. If you are going to base your attempt at riches on luck at all, you need to choose instead the numbers which are actually lucky, regardless of their appearance.

But even this stretegy will not guarantee you the riches you seek. The way to do this is to select the exact series of numbers which will be drawn at random later. This is the only way to guarantee that your ticket will bring you the life of luxury you so obviously crave. Make sure that your tickets holds these numbers, and you cannot lose.

*****
Confidential to JH in Hackensack:
Your engineers are absolutely correct. Such a railroad is impossible to build. I would suggest that if the origin point is to be your living room, that the terminus must also be on planet Earth.

Confidential to QI, also in England:
I enjoy your program. No doubt you'll starchily inform me that it should be "programme," but you are mistaken. Please try to remember how vastly we Americans outnumber you.

3 comments:

Reading the Signs said...

Mr. Moon, it's so clear, so simple, I can't think why I never saw this myself - but have to admit it takes a certain brilliance to reveal the obvious. I can't thank you enough and have ordered a crate of Bollinger in anticipation of celebrations. There's one little thing niggling at me but I can't honestly think what it might be at the moment; I'm sure it will all come clear in a minute - just like the numbers. Here's to the Good Life!

witnessing am i said...

Moon Samples, this is a great feature. The questions are brilliant and the responses, in typical MT fashion, filled with wit and good humor. Wonderful, mate.

The Moon Topples said...

Signs: Delighted I could help. Feel free to compensate me with some small portion of your winnings. Apparently being a professional advice columnist doesn't really pay any better than regular blogging.

Witness: Thanks. I have to admit, I had underestimated my readers a bit. The questions alone are funny, and trying to be funny on top of them is proving a struggle.